Merry Christmas

This post will be short and sweet... much like our Christmas was this year! It was a bummer that it fell on a Wednesday which really gave us one day to cram everything in... it left us all a bit exhausted. Santa answered many wishes this year and the boys got a WiiU system, lots of Star Wars toys, clothes, shoes, toys, cars, legos, science kits, and much more. It sure was exciting to see their little faces light up with excitement! The funniest moment was when the kids came downstairs, Archie saw the plate by the fireplace with a carrot for the reindeers and cookies for Santa and immediately starting eating what was left of the cookies. They were more appealing to him than all the presents!

Naptime at 5pm!

Hawaii!

Dave's company has a manager's retreat at the end of every year. Last year he went to Mexico and I stayed home with the kids. Boo, right? Well this year the wives were invited to tag along on the Hawaii adventure. Dave left a few days earlier to attend meetings and such and then I got to travel with the lovely Harmony, who makes traveling quite easy because she did everything. I just tagged along on my free Hawaii adventure.

We stayed at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore in Oahu. It was so beautiful. I loved every second of it... the heat, the humidity, the sound of the waves crashing. I loved that we could go to the local farms, sit on a bench and eat fresh food that they had grown and prepared. (Highlights: coconut shrimp, veggie panini, salads with grilled pineapple, fried banana bread covered in coconut cream sauce...) My favorite adventure was snorkeling (even though I was a bit awkward at it) and getting to swim with a gigantic sea turtle. I also really enjoyed the walk through the botanical gardens to the waterfall where they filmed some scene from Lost.  My journey lasted five days and I know everyone thinks I am crazy but it was too long. I missed my boys and really wished they had come with me. I can't wait to return to Hawaii someday but with my little adventurers in tow! (Although sleeping in, enjoying adult dinners, and not changing any diapers or dealing with any tantrums was quite nice!) Thank you to my friends and family who took such great care of my kids. I really appreciated it and it felt great knowing they were in loving and capable hands!

View from our room

My mornings began with sunrise, coffee, and my Kindle

Waterfall from Lost

The sand at Lanikai is like a smooth white powder!

I miss this

Best spot to lie in the sun and read!

My absolute favorite moment

Since it was the rainy season, the sky would open up, dump a few buckets of rain, then stop and the sun would start shining again. It was so odd and so different than the weather we are used to here.

Grayson's Day

Dear Grayson,

Today was your day. I love that it is the one day a year that we set aside as a family to honor you... but I hate it all the same. I wish you were living in my arms and not just in my heart. I wish that it got easier to think about you. I wish that when I thought about you I could feel pure peace and no pain. I have read a lot about grief and the steps we are supposed to feel but maybe I am different. Instead of one emotion at a time, I still feel the mix. Four years ago today was when I held you in my arms and watched you take your last breath. And I still feel pain, anger, frustration, guilt, failure, and fault. There are triggers that randomly make me think of you and sometimes I am caught off guard when the tears come. We went to Disneyland today and when I saw my boys' eyes light up with amazement, magic, and wonder...my heart ached for you. Your brothers are growing up so fast. I wish I could picture your face as it ought to be... 4 years old. I wonder if you would still have dark hair, unlike your very blonde brothers. I wonder if you would be calm like Carter or wild like Archer. I wonder what your voice would sound like... what it would be like to hear you giggle under the covers at night with Carter... telling secrets and sharing a bond that only twins can share. Today I asked Carter if he remembered you. He said yes. I know it is because we show him your picture and talk about you. Today I told him a story about how when you were both together in my tummy, I could feel you kick and poke each other, like you were playing a game. He laughed and thought it was so silly. I hope he will treasure that story in his heart as he grows up.
I recently listened to a song that I have heard many times in my life. But one line pierced my heart as such truth that I cried. "I'll say it loud here by your grave/those angels can't ever take my place."
I love you Grayson. Now and forever you will always be mine. And I will always be your mommy. And that thought brings me peace.