Friday, December 13, 2013

Grayson's Day

Dear Grayson,

Today was your day. I love that it is the one day a year that we set aside as a family to honor you... but I hate it all the same. I wish you were living in my arms and not just in my heart. I wish that it got easier to think about you. I wish that when I thought about you I could feel pure peace and no pain. I have read a lot about grief and the steps we are supposed to feel but maybe I am different. Instead of one emotion at a time, I still feel the mix. Four years ago today was when I held you in my arms and watched you take your last breath. And I still feel pain, anger, frustration, guilt, failure, and fault. There are triggers that randomly make me think of you and sometimes I am caught off guard when the tears come. We went to Disneyland today and when I saw my boys' eyes light up with amazement, magic, and heart ached for you. Your brothers are growing up so fast. I wish I could picture your face as it ought to be... 4 years old. I wonder if you would still have dark hair, unlike your very blonde brothers. I wonder if you would be calm like Carter or wild like Archer. I wonder what your voice would sound like... what it would be like to hear you giggle under the covers at night with Carter... telling secrets and sharing a bond that only twins can share. Today I asked Carter if he remembered you. He said yes. I know it is because we show him your picture and talk about you. Today I told him a story about how when you were both together in my tummy, I could feel you kick and poke each other, like you were playing a game. He laughed and thought it was so silly. I hope he will treasure that story in his heart as he grows up.
I recently listened to a song that I have heard many times in my life. But one line pierced my heart as such truth that I cried. "I'll say it loud here by your grave/those angels can't ever take my place."
I love you Grayson. Now and forever you will always be mine. And I will always be your mommy. And that thought brings me peace.


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